The Bloodcurdling Truth Revealed

I read the classic novel Dracula when I was in college. I wasn’t into vampires like kids are today, I was just trying to read through my set of the Harvard Classics and that was one of them. I found it to be very good reading, but I remember also being terrified to go out at night by myself to the outhouse.
Today, (even if you’re my age), you’re probably hip to the vampire mania that’s sweeping like an epidemic through the Young Adult section of bookstores. Sacrilege! … it’s even hit the Jane Austen-type books. Is nothing sacred?! My two youngest kids are (unfortunately) fans of the genre. Ah well, this too shall pass.

The other day, apropos of nothing, I happened to mention that I had some very unusual bruises on my arm, and I couldn’t imagine how I got them. Funny little dots, in fact. “Let me see that!” my son Joshua said with mock alarm. “Mother, I think you may be a vampire!” Today I see on his Facebook that he has posted a Quiz for kids that he made up, on how to tell if your Mother is a Vampire. (No wonder he was asking me so many personal questions the other day!). At least he is writing voluntarily and he wasn’t forced to do it for homework. It turns out, by the way,  I’m an “8” on the Vampire Scale. Hope you fare better than I.

Is Your Mother A Vampire Interview
By Joshua Belcher

This is basically an interview to determine if your loved mother is a blood sucking animal. Now some people might be confused if she only gets half the answers checked off, because of this I have put together a rating chart.

Question 1: Mother are there any two small dots or scars on your body?
For instance two mosquito bites can be mistaken for vampire marks.

Question 2: Mother have you been very thirsty lately?

Question 3: Mother has your mouth ever watered when looking at someone?

Question 4: Mother, have you been getting pale lately?

Question 5: Mother have you been cold or chilly lately, or just want to put a sweater on?

Question 6: Mother do you wake up when its dark?

Question 7: Mother do you take naps or go to sleep sometimes during the day?

Question 8: Mother do you sleep in a confined space or coffin?

Question 9: do you often try to avoid sunlight when you first wake up, or just stay out of it all day?

Total ______ out of 9
Add up the points, you should have checked off the questions that apply to your mother. After tallying them up, now for the rating.

1) no.
2) highly unlikely.
3) keep surveillance on your mother, these are the early stages of becoming a vampire.
4-6) yes.
7) go to your local supplies store to get wooden stakes and holy water just for safety.
8) start stocking up on cages and chains.
9) RUN!